Aktuelle Kamera

Today the GDR government-in-exile was pleased to announce that the Special Extraordinary Committee for Barkas Inquiry has located a working example of the camper van, in reasonable condition and at a reasonable price.

Economic Secretary Gunther Mittag will shortly begin negotiations to secure this heroic product of the VEB Barkaswerke, Karl-Marx-Stadt (now LIDL's and the Chemnitz FC Club Shop) for the services of our Comrade and First Secretary of the Jute Socialist Unity Party, Steeplejack. Rumours that Mittag's initial very generous offer of twenty Marlboro Lights, a packet of stale 'Mocca Fix Gold' chicory, and a bag of Irn Bru sweeties, in return for the van, were dismissed by the Free German Press Association as the work of capitalist-fascist agent provocatuers from the West. As we all know the Jute SED has never been more prosperous and efficient at meeting the targets of its five year plan, nor have the workers and farmers of the Montrose and Dundee collectives been happier, ahem.

Once the negotiations have been successfully concluded Mittag will welcome a delegation from the Jute SED and the People's University, where a collective of comrades will transfer the vehicle back to Scotland, with crossed fingers, a nervously clasped AA membership card, their raw anxiety masked in a dense fug of blue oil smoke. Aktuelle Kamera will closely monitor this heroic feat in real time, as it happens.

In other news, Dynamo Berlin surprisingly won the Oberliga Championship when every single member of their final-day opponents squad were arrested by the Ministry of State Security for "rightist deviation and Bonapartist individualism". With no-one to play against, they were awarded 700 extra points and the title. The Minister for Sport congratulated Dynamo on their highly deserved and fairly won league title, stating that "This happens in football everywhere. Spies, Trotskyites and Wreckers do not deserve to win the football championship of our workers' and farmers' state."

In Berlin today our comrade and chairman of the Council of State, Erich Honecker, welcomed a delegation of folk singers from the Moldavian Soviet Socialist republic....